Déjà vu - All over again (Patterns)

Have you ever been in that place where you recognize you are in the exact same place you have been before? I am not talking about a physical location. I am focused on a situation, or a conversation, or even a conflict with someone.

Patterns

We all have certain patterns we have developed. These are called neural networks or pathways that we have built and reinforced over time. These patterns are our brain's way of creating energy saving routines that are created to keep us safe, deal with specific situations, and not have to engage the executive part of our brain for everything. The executive part of our brain is the part that does the higher level thinking (critical thinking, problem solving, decision making on important issues, abstract thinking). It is also a high energy and focus consuming part of our brain.

Think of a situation you have experienced when you realized you were repeating a pattern.

• What was the situation?
• When did you realize you were in a pattern?
• Objectively, does that pattern give you the results you desire?
• Is there something about the pattern that you would change?
• How could you improve the pattern for the future?

Autopilot

It is so easy to fall into "autopilot" mode. The mode of operating where we simply do not have to expend a lot of energy or focus to do what we are doing. Can you think of a time when you automatically reacted to something, then regretted it later? I know I have. That is the danger of staying on autopilot. At some point you have to land the plane.

Recognizing Patterns:

This EQ skill is the ability to recognize frequently recurring reactions and behaviors. By the time you reach early adulthood, you have created many patterns in your brain. Think of this as a default way of dealing with a specific situation. Unless we intentionally decide to respond in a different way, our brain prefers to be on autopilot and simply react according to our default pattern for a specific situation. Why? Because our brain:

• Works to save energy
• Protects us from uncomfortable situations and/or feelings
• Prompts us to avoid conflict
• Encourages us to stay in a comfortable place
• Tries to reinforce our beliefs and bias

There are many reasons why we have patterns. Patterns can be helpful or not. Some patterns may have undesirable outcomes. The reason "recognize patterns" is in the category of self-awareness is because it is a critical component of awareness. If you do not recognize a pattern in yourself, there is little chance you will change it. If you cannot recognize patterns in other people, your relationship with them may become strained or you may not have the influence you would like to have with them. You will certainly not have effective insights into the other person.

Patterns are a part of all of our lives. The more we practice recognizing patterns in ourselves, the sooner we can catch ourselves entering into that pattern. The earlier we catch this, the sooner we can choose to respond instead of react. Usually, responding provides better results.

What to look for

Here is a short video that will provide deeper insight: Patterns

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a conversation or disagreement and thought, "This is going the same way it did the last time this came up?" That may be a pattern that has developed. At the heart of patterns is a desire to protect ourselves, save energy and effort, and avoid unwelcome emotions.

What you can do

Think of peeling an onion when you think of patterns in your life. There will be many layers to "peel back" to truly understand the pattern and then how to change that pattern. Here is an example of an exercise you can do that will help you with this. This is an example of what a pattern might look like:

Now you try. Simply replace the "pattern" focus with something you want to focus on.

Here are some additional ideas - "When I:

• Need to have a crucial conversation with someone, I...
• Feel like someone is judging me, I...
• Get in a situation where I am anxious, I...

When you have focused on the situation, you can then start to fill in the various layers of the onion (the pattern) with how that situation impacts you.

Reflect

When you have gone through the previous exercise a few times, you increase your self-awareness. Self-awareness is a critical set of EQ skills that will help you be more intentional so you can make better decisions to get better results.

Important thought: When we are under increased stress, the patterns we have built will show up more often. Some of these may be beneficial, but some may have a negative outcome. When stress rises, it is important to PAUSE. Why? That pause is the difference between reacting and responding. A 90 second pause allows for several things to happen - take a breath, resist the urge to react, consider what you are thinking and feeling, set aside your ego, think through consequences...then you can respond and get better outcomes.

Recognizing patterns can become a very profitable skill.

• When I work with salespeople and sales teams, this is a key skill we work to develop. Buyers have their own set of patterns. If you can understand what those buying patterns are, you have a serious competitive advantage.
• If you are a stay at home parent or caregiver, recognizing patterns in the people around you gives you greater insight into their needs and the emotions that are driving their behavior. The more you can understand that, the better you can navigate and manage the situation.
• If you are a leader, this is a very important skill. Your leadership success is based on your level of influence and ability to engage team members. If you (or they) have patterns that are negatively impacting that teamwork and collaboration, you will have reduced levels of influence and engagement.

Sometimes we shy away from too much introspection. It may be uncomfortable or even a little scary. We may not like what we find. On the other hand, the rewards of increasing self-awareness through an EQ skill like recognizing patterns can provide huge benefits. If we create a curious mindset, we can leave judgement behind and get the insights that will move us forward. Will you choose to be curious and explore your patterns? I hope so. That is when you will become more aware of the patterns in others. The results...better choices, better relationships, greater success and satisfaction in life. The choice is yours.

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 Copyright © 2023 EQFIT® - Author: Steven Goodner. All rights reserved. No portion of this material may be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher, except as permitted by U.S. copyright law. For permissions contact: [email protected]